When I really should have just gone to bed

Shit, what am I doing? I'm talking to Clint again but I'm firm and guarded as I provoke him a little. Part of me wants to make him talk and the other part of me just wants to see how far I cant push it. Perhaps not a good idea given that we haven't talked in a long time. Maybe a part of me just wants him to get mad at me so he doesn't feel regret for anything.

after all this is a message I received from him just before I started to provoke him:


Date:
Thu Feb 3, 2011 12:58 am
Subject:
Re: No Subject
I hope she knows I feel bad about what happened. I wanted to talk about it with her beforehand, but time was running out and I needed to make a decision. Some days I even regret it, if I'm being completely honest.

I think, I need to ......swallow

This is crazy insane! I've been talking to Clint via nexopia for just over the last two hours. Not only that.....I started the conversation. I must admit a part of me didnt exspect hime to answer at alll, and yet 99.3% of me knew he would. Because that is the man I know. And so we talk, about everything and anything................wait no, that not true, it is another clever deception of my mind. I cant, I cant bring myself to tell him now what I've been want so desperatly to tell him in person for the last week or so, I just cant do it. I part of my wonders why, and a part of my knows damn well.

Breakaway

Wow! what a day. Now I know I wont be able to get that song out of my head, it's stuck. **laughs out loud** Guess there's nothing to do my post the lyrics to my new theme sone here in my blog



BREAKAWAY


[Intro:][×2]
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da da da

[Verse 1:]
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

[chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da da da

[Verse 2:]
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

[chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

[Bridge:]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

[chorus 2]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway...




-by: Kelly Clarkson

Wide eyed in wonder

Everything is happening so fast, yet the minutes seem strangely like hours. I don't want to blink, I wont run away.....the rainbow dazzles the eyes.

Home, is where the heart is ......Where is the heart?

As I drove home this evening, I must admit I had too many consecutive silent minutes to think. Yet all at once as my mind stumbled and tumbled and tied its self into a knot by the time I got home; realized that I didn't have enough minutes after all. Hmmmmmmm, sad panda ^-_-^

I went to the "sea" to search for what I could "C" but I did not find what I was looking for. I hope I will soon, before too much water passes between.

Early Morning Dove

Seven new holes have found there way into my arm, I had no idea how many needle vaccination children go through during their childhood. How lovely that I need to catch up quickly (rolls eyes). My arms arms are pretty sore, but truthfully that's not what I came to blog about.

Yes, it is early in the morning but I have yet to go to bed since yesterday. I've thought about this day long before it's arrival. What I would do, what I would say and how I would say it. Sitting here now feel almost strange knowing that before I watch the next day break things may be different. But for now there is one person yet to tell, and I feel in heart that it should be done properly.........face to face. I will seek him shortly before my evening meal with the grandparents. With empty hands and an olive branch in my heart.

Shuffle

Just another paper shuffle for a paper heart.

Olive Branch, part 2: A Ray Of Hope

Self torment, the price for your lie

This is horrible, I've made things worse. I wanted so badly to find some small piece of redemption, no matter how fragile; I wanted to chance it all on a ray of hope, and I should have known better.

I started this blog.....and then began to dig a bit deeper.



Truth spilling out

I replied to that message. I found the imagery of an olive branch to powerful to ignore. I thought about the symbolism, my mind taking me back to my childhood, listening to the story of Noah's ark. I couldn't help but feel for the first time that the tale related to me somehow now, more than before. My life like a boat, cast on the water with no land in sight; till the dove returns with an olive branch. A ray of hope, a sign that the waters have began to recede. But as my hopes began to rise a little reality would soon catch up with me. I had searched for a generic picture of a dove with an olive branch (through google it's not too hard to find) and stumbled across a slightly different image. It depicted a dove, just as it is about to land on a branch, and although one side was indeed an olive branch the other half was barbwire. I was intrigued as I saw in my mind the symbols fall into place. The barbwire a symbol of the friendship I ruined, the olive branch likened to the direct reference of the message Clint sent me on Dec. 9(2010) and the dove in the center symbolizing the hope, that maybe one day our friendship may be repaired. I sent him this image on Dec. 25(2010) he replied that it was a great Christmas present, though I couldn't help but wonder if he saw in it what I did. So against my better judgement I to then made a reply (this time not with a picture). I told him that I found it highly symbolic and therefore very fitting and that I was glad he enjoyed the picture. Part of me wanted desperately for this to start a bit of a discussion thus ending the long silence between us. I checked my Nexopia at least once a day thereafter to see what he would say........no response came (reality strikes again). At first I was so mad at myself for being so delusional as to think that that would be all it would take to begin the healing process. I counted myself as a fool. But the image of the dove stayed in my memory. Somehow I have to believe that the future hold a restoration, just..........not yet.