Clint

Unfortunately I did not have access to the Internet yesterday, but if I did..... such a paragraph would have no doubt found its way onto my blog then instead of now. But may it be noted that as I opened a Word document in the hopes catching my true feeling before they faded away my heart sank a little. For in that moment I realized that all I could to was save a file and post it a day late I also realize such grave irony..........It seems that I am cursed to always be, one day too late.

(the following was written last night, to be places here upon available Internet access)


Today is like any other; the air is crisp and clean with a slight autumn chill; the leaves catching the rays of the sun already starting to turn golden, orange and red, several having already found their way onto the ground below. The world is in color. But it is not unlike yesterday or the day before; and I wager that this autumn day will be much like tomorrow. Today however happens to be my birthday. And for the first time in along time my heart skipped a beat. Today I was granted a sign, one which I had been waiting forever for, a way back in. And for one selfish moment I contemplated taking advantage of it. For one stupid self centered lapse in time I convinced myself that I could make you want me once more. Then tears upon my face I swept it away knowing I never would. Somehow I had to believe that even if it had never really been love it was undoubtedly strong enough to let go of you one last time. Because I willed myself to keep you free from my labyrinth of self destructive cruelty, only to hope that one day you will sense I cared enough to whisper good-bye one last time. My dear friend though the miles separated us, your words touch my soul and I struggled first not to cry and second no to reply. So desperately did I want to text you back to say thank you for your warm wishes on my 22nd year of life, but I couldn’t. I knew that in responding it would only open the door and though I saw a crack of light coming from the other side a part of me wanting to believe you didn’t still hate me for destroying our friendship; I knew I could not open the door. I clenched my fists and stood before it long while knowing I couldn’t bring myself to let you back in, because I never want to hurt you anymore.