Pain

Pain is sobering, I realized this as I bit the inside of my cheek. It was a useless attempt to regain some control, though the lesson learned was that if intensified it just might have the power to drown out everything else. In other words, it would have still been a means to the ends and for the first time I wished I wasn't so gutless. Had I more conviction within me I may have slit my wrist. Not to end my life, oh no I'm not sure I'm that desperate yet. But it would have no doubt been strong enough to devour the mental turmoil. As the nerve endings in my skin severed the pain would have been real, and as the body would soon realize it must focus it's attention to the external damage, the internal would be forgotten, the storm would calm, and everything would be still. The red river rushing down my arm would no doubt fascinate me and I would remain. Hypnotized. In this small trance I would find my solace; perhaps alone, but indeed alive. What would I do next? Would cry? Would I scream? Would the outside pain I felt then hurt as much as the inside pain I had felt a moment ago? No.

The tears in my eyes would dry, the transparent river disappear. I would rise from my keens and tend my open wounds inside and out. I would bind them tight and with a sober mind would realize that some of them may take time and other may never close. Still those that do eventually "heal" will undoubtedly leave scars. some short, some long, some thin, some thick, but all with their stories and reminders. At last I would smile, because it would all be over......for now.