alone

Sitting here alone, watching the traffic below. The late Autumn now a winter landscape; the world so white yet so cold to the touch........so very much like my heart. Would you believe me if I told you it was frozen long before the snow began to fall? Far below the blanket of white clouds, away from the sun.

***

Then as I had sat there , I thought the last sentence (above) was quite lame, but could think of niter anything else or anything more to say. So I stood up, walked the length of the living room before finding myself perched at the dinning room window. Watching with disinterest the quail trot about and scavenge for seeds beneath the brush where snow had not touched the ground. My hand a began to tremble and my vision blurred, (but the hot air rising up from the heater at my feet would not let even a daring tear roll down my cheek) My tears welled up in my eyes, stinging and burning yet somehow cold as the glass at my finger tips (till thy ran dry). I cried until I couldn't any more. And for a reason I wasn't even all to sure of except that felt so very much alone. So cold, so empty, and my soul, so much in pain.

maybe......fly?

I wonder, why is it that in so many moments of my deep thoughts I am far placed from pen and paper (including their digital conterparts) or occupied with a task that requires my hands. I sapose this is for the best as such thoughts often come in solunm hours and who knows what may happen if these thoughts were captured.......and dwelt upon. Yet a part of me cant help but think that a long list of recolection may not be so bad after all. Perhaps it would inspire me, or make me acountable for all my action and for all my inactions. Maybe it would would make me bold, maybe I would take a chance maybe I would change my mind, maybe I would try something new; and just maybe it would save me from this insanity.

Clint

Unfortunately I did not have access to the Internet yesterday, but if I did..... such a paragraph would have no doubt found its way onto my blog then instead of now. But may it be noted that as I opened a Word document in the hopes catching my true feeling before they faded away my heart sank a little. For in that moment I realized that all I could to was save a file and post it a day late I also realize such grave irony..........It seems that I am cursed to always be, one day too late.

(the following was written last night, to be places here upon available Internet access)


Today is like any other; the air is crisp and clean with a slight autumn chill; the leaves catching the rays of the sun already starting to turn golden, orange and red, several having already found their way onto the ground below. The world is in color. But it is not unlike yesterday or the day before; and I wager that this autumn day will be much like tomorrow. Today however happens to be my birthday. And for the first time in along time my heart skipped a beat. Today I was granted a sign, one which I had been waiting forever for, a way back in. And for one selfish moment I contemplated taking advantage of it. For one stupid self centered lapse in time I convinced myself that I could make you want me once more. Then tears upon my face I swept it away knowing I never would. Somehow I had to believe that even if it had never really been love it was undoubtedly strong enough to let go of you one last time. Because I willed myself to keep you free from my labyrinth of self destructive cruelty, only to hope that one day you will sense I cared enough to whisper good-bye one last time. My dear friend though the miles separated us, your words touch my soul and I struggled first not to cry and second no to reply. So desperately did I want to text you back to say thank you for your warm wishes on my 22nd year of life, but I couldn’t. I knew that in responding it would only open the door and though I saw a crack of light coming from the other side a part of me wanting to believe you didn’t still hate me for destroying our friendship; I knew I could not open the door. I clenched my fists and stood before it long while knowing I couldn’t bring myself to let you back in, because I never want to hurt you anymore.

Should start now

Should I make my start here?
Now while I feel I can wait no longer.
Or shall I wait and let the clock tic a little longer?
Waiting for it to say 11:oo.
Hmmmmmm, I think not.
Tic-toc, tic-toc.

Unexpected.

What was expected didn't happen,
What happened was not expected.


(I think this is an original saying, but if I'm quoting someone from somewhere then congrats, your mind is as cliche as mine right now.)

Though I must admit that if what I was expecting to happen came to be, than that would have been no fun at all. At the very lest, this amuses me greatly.

Strange

As the days go by, I can see how much things are becoming unraveled.


......And I wonder if this is the end.....................or the beginning.

Early Morning Breeeze

The night air sweeping in from the open patio door brought little comfort. I sit here knowing full well this is my moment, over shadowed by cliche and over dramatized by my own thoughts; this is my calm before the storm. Tomorrow will be busy (the pirate pak promo will turn it into a gong show). The day after will be long. Friday........will be interesting. No, no, time is against me the clock is long past midnight, my "tomorrow" has already come, as everything else in my life, it has come too soon, and I know that I am unprepared. But for once as I sit here I cant help but smile, because for once I can see the storm coming. Though my instinct tells me to run, I know in advance that I will not move. Stubbornness aside, this time I will not move because in part it is I that allowed the storm to brew........then en kindle it. Yes it is I the co-creator, and therefore as equally responsible. True, I could call it all off, the violence of the storm would dissipate, the wind would die down by the time of its arrival the rain would be but a soft drizzle as the dark clouds pass by over head. But I'll be damned if I let that happen. No! No, I want to see the lightning split the sky, I want to hear the thunder roll and I want to feel the rain. I want the storm, I want know I'm still alive.



(Only because it amuses me to see how long I can keep this going for, going to make an attempt on have an active blog. Not that I got very far the first time around but it will give me something to do in the days ahead^-^)