When I really should have just gone to bed

Shit, what am I doing? I'm talking to Clint again but I'm firm and guarded as I provoke him a little. Part of me wants to make him talk and the other part of me just wants to see how far I cant push it. Perhaps not a good idea given that we haven't talked in a long time. Maybe a part of me just wants him to get mad at me so he doesn't feel regret for anything.

after all this is a message I received from him just before I started to provoke him:


Date:
Thu Feb 3, 2011 12:58 am
Subject:
Re: No Subject
I hope she knows I feel bad about what happened. I wanted to talk about it with her beforehand, but time was running out and I needed to make a decision. Some days I even regret it, if I'm being completely honest.

I think, I need to ......swallow

This is crazy insane! I've been talking to Clint via nexopia for just over the last two hours. Not only that.....I started the conversation. I must admit a part of me didnt exspect hime to answer at alll, and yet 99.3% of me knew he would. Because that is the man I know. And so we talk, about everything and anything................wait no, that not true, it is another clever deception of my mind. I cant, I cant bring myself to tell him now what I've been want so desperatly to tell him in person for the last week or so, I just cant do it. I part of my wonders why, and a part of my knows damn well.

Breakaway

Wow! what a day. Now I know I wont be able to get that song out of my head, it's stuck. **laughs out loud** Guess there's nothing to do my post the lyrics to my new theme sone here in my blog



BREAKAWAY


[Intro:][×2]
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da da da

[Verse 1:]
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could breakaway

[chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da
Da da da'd da da da da

[Verse 2:]
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

[chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

[Bridge:]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

[chorus 2]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway...




-by: Kelly Clarkson

Wide eyed in wonder

Everything is happening so fast, yet the minutes seem strangely like hours. I don't want to blink, I wont run away.....the rainbow dazzles the eyes.

Home, is where the heart is ......Where is the heart?

As I drove home this evening, I must admit I had too many consecutive silent minutes to think. Yet all at once as my mind stumbled and tumbled and tied its self into a knot by the time I got home; realized that I didn't have enough minutes after all. Hmmmmmmm, sad panda ^-_-^

I went to the "sea" to search for what I could "C" but I did not find what I was looking for. I hope I will soon, before too much water passes between.

Early Morning Dove

Seven new holes have found there way into my arm, I had no idea how many needle vaccination children go through during their childhood. How lovely that I need to catch up quickly (rolls eyes). My arms arms are pretty sore, but truthfully that's not what I came to blog about.

Yes, it is early in the morning but I have yet to go to bed since yesterday. I've thought about this day long before it's arrival. What I would do, what I would say and how I would say it. Sitting here now feel almost strange knowing that before I watch the next day break things may be different. But for now there is one person yet to tell, and I feel in heart that it should be done properly.........face to face. I will seek him shortly before my evening meal with the grandparents. With empty hands and an olive branch in my heart.

Shuffle

Just another paper shuffle for a paper heart.

Olive Branch, part 2: A Ray Of Hope

Self torment, the price for your lie

This is horrible, I've made things worse. I wanted so badly to find some small piece of redemption, no matter how fragile; I wanted to chance it all on a ray of hope, and I should have known better.

I started this blog.....and then began to dig a bit deeper.



Truth spilling out

I replied to that message. I found the imagery of an olive branch to powerful to ignore. I thought about the symbolism, my mind taking me back to my childhood, listening to the story of Noah's ark. I couldn't help but feel for the first time that the tale related to me somehow now, more than before. My life like a boat, cast on the water with no land in sight; till the dove returns with an olive branch. A ray of hope, a sign that the waters have began to recede. But as my hopes began to rise a little reality would soon catch up with me. I had searched for a generic picture of a dove with an olive branch (through google it's not too hard to find) and stumbled across a slightly different image. It depicted a dove, just as it is about to land on a branch, and although one side was indeed an olive branch the other half was barbwire. I was intrigued as I saw in my mind the symbols fall into place. The barbwire a symbol of the friendship I ruined, the olive branch likened to the direct reference of the message Clint sent me on Dec. 9(2010) and the dove in the center symbolizing the hope, that maybe one day our friendship may be repaired. I sent him this image on Dec. 25(2010) he replied that it was a great Christmas present, though I couldn't help but wonder if he saw in it what I did. So against my better judgement I to then made a reply (this time not with a picture). I told him that I found it highly symbolic and therefore very fitting and that I was glad he enjoyed the picture. Part of me wanted desperately for this to start a bit of a discussion thus ending the long silence between us. I checked my Nexopia at least once a day thereafter to see what he would say........no response came (reality strikes again). At first I was so mad at myself for being so delusional as to think that that would be all it would take to begin the healing process. I counted myself as a fool. But the image of the dove stayed in my memory. Somehow I have to believe that the future hold a restoration, just..........not yet.

short, yes?

So the gifts have been opened, the dinner devourer and the company has left; time to take a breath in and let a sigh out. Another Christmas Day coming to a close. Strangly, I, for my part have said all that has emidiately come to my mind. So too does this blog come to an end.

No tax on eggnog

So, I was in Wal-Mart last night, and it was decided between my brother and I that we would both enjoy having some eggnog to take home with us that evening. To make a long story short I walked back down the aisle to pick up a carton and saw that for two dollars and I thing twenty-nine some odd cents I could have 1L. However just one shelf lower sat the 2L cartons on a special price of two for eight dollars. "Hmmmm" says I "that could potentially be a savings of fifty-eight some odd cents".( And why I count it as being an extra some odd cents is for the variable of taxes) Unless one must purchase both cartons in order for the sale to take effect, some stores are just sticky like that. Irregardless, I'm pretty confident that I do not need a whole 4L of eggnog and am therefore willing to take any sort of hit for only buying only one carton; beside my bother is only here for one night, and he's the one whose suppose to help me drink all this fat infested liquid. So I grab it and go. As I start to approach the front I near to a price-check machine attaches to one of the support columns; Perfect! now I can arrive at the till with no surprises as to how much this eggnog will really cost me. So naturally I take the extra half second to stop and scan the bar code as a walk by. The machine indicates to me that I will in fact be paying four dollars for my 2Ls of eggnog. Great, no behind the sense sales pitch, I love it when that happens. Not too long thereafter I am standing in line and then percussing my beverage of choice. To my surprise the lady at the till asks for four dollars, I hand her a twenty and hold my breath a little wondering if she was pulling my leg, but she hands me back six-teen dollars even. Apparently HST has nothing on eggnog, suck that you grimy politicians. It is unfortunate however that I cant go to a restaurant and order a two dollar beverage without facing to dreaded new tax yet I can go to Wal-Mart and get a whole 2Ls of eggnog tax free, and enjoy it in the comfort of my own home. Yes chillaxin in an easy chair watching the Christmas tree shimmer and sparkle as I sip my eggnog cut with a bit if milk (or rum perhaps?) and sprinkled with cinnamon. Now if only that's how my night went down it would have been perfect. But somethings, like tax, we cant change, though smile when things go our way. And other things, like brothers.........we still cant change; but roll our eyes a little as he downs a 1L carton of juice and is gone in the morning, leaving me with a lot of eggnog to devour straight to my hips, thanks bro.

Olive Branch

The hour is late, but I cant sleep. My mind is still spinning and my head starts to hurt; my fingers are still cold and my body still frozen. I cant move. My vision long since blurred and my eyes sting, but the tears are still trapped inside. I want to scream but my voice had been taken from me. So I sit here motionless, again and again reading your message......

(Clint sent me a message via nexopia.....it reads as follows)

Date:
Thu Dec 9, 2010 1:48 am
Subject:
No Subject

I don't know if you ever got my birthday wishes, but that was me trying to extend the olive branch so to speak.



And what am I to say to that? How can I respond when I know that it may force open a door I promised myself I would keep shut? I've kept silent for reasons of my own, hoping to spare your sanity from the tangled messes I to often create. For as long as possible I will keep this pain, buried inside me and pray that one day you will undersand.

Dec. 1, 2010.......blood & what not (continued...sort of)

Okay so first off I'd like to say that my last post was meant to be funny but failed epically. See, as I was driving home (after my donation then running some errands) I had a few entertaining thoughts that ran through my mind, and decided that I should blog about it. The problem is that I didn't blog it till hours later, by then they weren't fresh in my mind and I was tired as it was late and I was already heading off to bed when I remembered that I hadn't done my blog yet. Then I got gutless as the bulk of my commentary focused on the survey questions which to be honest ,I kinda found funny because most of them (like 99.9%) didn't even apply to me, but as I was typing everything out (in the last entry) I felt guilty for thinking about poking fun at the question whose design is to protect and safe guard the donor and the recipient of the blood.

Therefore the outcome of the (previous) blog was rather dry and boring for which I kinda sorta regret but simply don't feel like deleting it. The only hassle with that being is that it was never finished. (how unfortunate **rolls eyes**) Therefore I will endeavor to make a quick and painless end to my little story (ooooooo foreshadow)

So after my final session of waiting, it was finally time to actually donate my blood. A process which, by the way, only takes 9 minutes. I do admit to being nervous about someone sticking me with a needle but as it turns out it wasn't all that bad. Though when the last nurse came by she smiled sweetly and began to take off the tape holding the IV in place. She looked down at me and in a kind voice said "Just gonna take the tape off, most people say that's the worst part" I'll admit she was taking it off pretty quick but to be honest being as it was the smooth flat hairless part of my arm it didn't really hurt at all. I was just about to tell her this when she suddenly yanks the needle out..............crap.........she did that on purpose, though good on her for having a nice distraction topic. (right here is where I wanted to look up at her through slanted eyes and mumble "liar"). In any case later on in the car several funny comment regarding that incident rolled through my mind (that and something about blood types and vampires). Anywho........thus concludes my little tale.

And now I'm done.

Dec. 1, 2010.......blood & what not

Yeah, so, guess what I did today? Hope my title doesn't give it away too much, then again every once in a while I'm not much of one for suspense......or something like that.

Okay, from the beginning. Soooooo, I had a couple hours to kill in my favorite town to the north; "Hmmmm" says I ".....I should go donate blood." After all, its something I've wanted to do for quite some time now. (This of course was 56 some odd days ago.) Now having taken biology 12 I know a little bit about blood and although knowledge is power it must first be applied, or at least remembered. So I guess you could say that it caught me off guard although only slightly to be informed that I could not donate that day because my blood did not contain enough Iron. Not a really a big deal, I just neglected the the fact that following a certain time of the month a woman's body has a decreased amount of this all-important Iron. My appointment was not a total loss however as I was given a new appointment and it was set up to take place in the city to which I actually belonged.

So today rolls around as being nothing spectacular except for the fact that I have arranged to give up a portion of my time (and a bag full of super kool red liquidity stuff) to make a world of difference someone else (that will be greatful for it..... later). And I wont lie to you I was a bit nervous........at first..............and again a wee bit later. Overall it wasn't too bad, except for the waiting, and waiting and more waiting; which could be why my nervousness came and went a little. I found that the anticipation built up during the waiting-game often lead to apprehension. Fortunately for me the first wait was pretty short and my jitters were caused by my hopes of having enough Iron in my blood this time around (I'd hate to fail and be rejected a second time). Wont make you guess if i got a pass cause if I didn't I'd have nothing to blog about.......wait....wait, no....that's not true; but we wont go down that road. In any case I was given a sheet with "yes" or "no" questions on it and asked to fill it out on a table behind me and to the left; it was set up with boards to form slightly isolated areas to provide some privacy. I think I can say that if you haven't got a disease, never had a disease, ever been treated for a disease or want a disease that 50% of the questions are a no brainier, the other 50% are just as easy provided you've never had sex before. Okay so the waiting- game again, another short moment in which I'm pretty sure I'm not nervous but I'm defiantly wondering what I've gotten myself into. The next bit is spent with a nurse who then asks you a series of more questions. This time I suppress the desire to be cheeky (that was really hard). The questions are not too dissimilar, except the ratio changes a bit; this time around disease related questions only held about 25% and again having an uneventful sex life makes things go by really fast. Though I will admit it here and now a part of me (given some of the questions) wanted to answer "I don't know" to see if I could get a reaction out of the nurse. This process took a short time to reach the final question, to which I will no doubt forever wonder what it had to do with anything..........ANYTHING. OK, seriously, and I must pause here, not that I have anything against monkeys but I'm sure most people don't take them to bed, and I can think of several other animal that would fall higher on my list of "things that carry disease". On a technicality let the record show that had I been born heartless I could have made an easy pass at certain individuals............"Oh yes nurse I've dealt with and handled monkeys many times in my life" I'm sure this might catch her attention until I explain the nature of the relation and the comparison I was drawing with my siblings (all of them, but mainly my younger ones).....................ah but only if I were heartless. The next zone is where the real waiting game began, and..........................oh look at the time........me thinks I should hit the hay. With any luck this story shall be continued tomorrow, till then, g'night and sleep tight.

Pain

Pain is sobering, I realized this as I bit the inside of my cheek. It was a useless attempt to regain some control, though the lesson learned was that if intensified it just might have the power to drown out everything else. In other words, it would have still been a means to the ends and for the first time I wished I wasn't so gutless. Had I more conviction within me I may have slit my wrist. Not to end my life, oh no I'm not sure I'm that desperate yet. But it would have no doubt been strong enough to devour the mental turmoil. As the nerve endings in my skin severed the pain would have been real, and as the body would soon realize it must focus it's attention to the external damage, the internal would be forgotten, the storm would calm, and everything would be still. The red river rushing down my arm would no doubt fascinate me and I would remain. Hypnotized. In this small trance I would find my solace; perhaps alone, but indeed alive. What would I do next? Would cry? Would I scream? Would the outside pain I felt then hurt as much as the inside pain I had felt a moment ago? No.

The tears in my eyes would dry, the transparent river disappear. I would rise from my keens and tend my open wounds inside and out. I would bind them tight and with a sober mind would realize that some of them may take time and other may never close. Still those that do eventually "heal" will undoubtedly leave scars. some short, some long, some thin, some thick, but all with their stories and reminders. At last I would smile, because it would all be over......for now.

alone

Sitting here alone, watching the traffic below. The late Autumn now a winter landscape; the world so white yet so cold to the touch........so very much like my heart. Would you believe me if I told you it was frozen long before the snow began to fall? Far below the blanket of white clouds, away from the sun.

***

Then as I had sat there , I thought the last sentence (above) was quite lame, but could think of niter anything else or anything more to say. So I stood up, walked the length of the living room before finding myself perched at the dinning room window. Watching with disinterest the quail trot about and scavenge for seeds beneath the brush where snow had not touched the ground. My hand a began to tremble and my vision blurred, (but the hot air rising up from the heater at my feet would not let even a daring tear roll down my cheek) My tears welled up in my eyes, stinging and burning yet somehow cold as the glass at my finger tips (till thy ran dry). I cried until I couldn't any more. And for a reason I wasn't even all to sure of except that felt so very much alone. So cold, so empty, and my soul, so much in pain.

maybe......fly?

I wonder, why is it that in so many moments of my deep thoughts I am far placed from pen and paper (including their digital conterparts) or occupied with a task that requires my hands. I sapose this is for the best as such thoughts often come in solunm hours and who knows what may happen if these thoughts were captured.......and dwelt upon. Yet a part of me cant help but think that a long list of recolection may not be so bad after all. Perhaps it would inspire me, or make me acountable for all my action and for all my inactions. Maybe it would would make me bold, maybe I would take a chance maybe I would change my mind, maybe I would try something new; and just maybe it would save me from this insanity.

Clint

Unfortunately I did not have access to the Internet yesterday, but if I did..... such a paragraph would have no doubt found its way onto my blog then instead of now. But may it be noted that as I opened a Word document in the hopes catching my true feeling before they faded away my heart sank a little. For in that moment I realized that all I could to was save a file and post it a day late I also realize such grave irony..........It seems that I am cursed to always be, one day too late.

(the following was written last night, to be places here upon available Internet access)


Today is like any other; the air is crisp and clean with a slight autumn chill; the leaves catching the rays of the sun already starting to turn golden, orange and red, several having already found their way onto the ground below. The world is in color. But it is not unlike yesterday or the day before; and I wager that this autumn day will be much like tomorrow. Today however happens to be my birthday. And for the first time in along time my heart skipped a beat. Today I was granted a sign, one which I had been waiting forever for, a way back in. And for one selfish moment I contemplated taking advantage of it. For one stupid self centered lapse in time I convinced myself that I could make you want me once more. Then tears upon my face I swept it away knowing I never would. Somehow I had to believe that even if it had never really been love it was undoubtedly strong enough to let go of you one last time. Because I willed myself to keep you free from my labyrinth of self destructive cruelty, only to hope that one day you will sense I cared enough to whisper good-bye one last time. My dear friend though the miles separated us, your words touch my soul and I struggled first not to cry and second no to reply. So desperately did I want to text you back to say thank you for your warm wishes on my 22nd year of life, but I couldn’t. I knew that in responding it would only open the door and though I saw a crack of light coming from the other side a part of me wanting to believe you didn’t still hate me for destroying our friendship; I knew I could not open the door. I clenched my fists and stood before it long while knowing I couldn’t bring myself to let you back in, because I never want to hurt you anymore.

Should start now

Should I make my start here?
Now while I feel I can wait no longer.
Or shall I wait and let the clock tic a little longer?
Waiting for it to say 11:oo.
Hmmmmmm, I think not.
Tic-toc, tic-toc.

Unexpected.

What was expected didn't happen,
What happened was not expected.


(I think this is an original saying, but if I'm quoting someone from somewhere then congrats, your mind is as cliche as mine right now.)

Though I must admit that if what I was expecting to happen came to be, than that would have been no fun at all. At the very lest, this amuses me greatly.

Strange

As the days go by, I can see how much things are becoming unraveled.


......And I wonder if this is the end.....................or the beginning.